What Etiquette Experts Say About Modern Phone Use

Etiquette experts say the rules governing phones in public remain unsettled, but the core principle has not changed: do not turn other people into an involuntary audience. In a Vox podcast excerpt, Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of etiquette author Emily Post, said playing music, taking a call, using FaceTime or watching a video on speaker without headphones is inappropriate 'when other people are a captive audience and haven't asked to be.'

Post attributes much of the friction to how quickly phone habits have outpaced shared norms. She describes a momentary lapse in which people, accustomed to holding a phone close to their face, forget that others can hear what they are doing. Kirsty Sedgman, a University of Bristol professor and author of On Being Unreasonable, adds that manners still matter because they encourage people to think about others and avoid antisocial behavior.

The conversation also touches on unresolved questions: how to correct a stranger, where speakerphone is acceptable, and whether phones belong on the dinner table. Post says her own instinct in short encounters is to mind her own business, but the calculation changes on longer train rides and flights, where people must share space for an extended period.

Why Public Phone Habits Now Provoke So Much Friction

Why phone manners feel different from older etiquette problems

Etiquette has always evolved, but phone behavior is unusually divisive because it makes a private activity public. A train carriage, waiting room or restaurant can become a shared soundscape without consent. Sedgman frames this as a question of designing public life in a way that benefits everybody and does not exclude people. That tension between individual convenience and collective comfort explains why reactions can be intense.

The correction problem: when to speak up

Post recommends speaking up only when the situation is prolonged. She suggests asking, 'Could you put some headphones on while you're enjoying that?' rather than commanding, because it can act as a reminder. But she is explicit that you cannot control the other person's response, and asking may be met with rudeness. That makes enforcement of phone norms far more fragile than older forms of etiquette.

Dinner-table phones remain a contested boundary

Even an etiquette professional admits she sometimes leaves her phone face down on the table, though she says the better practice is to keep it away and on silent. Face up is the clearest breach because any incoming message becomes a distraction for everyone. This is less about secrecy than attention: a visible phone signals divided focus.

Practical Phone Manners for Shared Spaces

  • Use headphones in shared spaces. Phone calls, FaceTime, videos and social feeds should not be audible to strangers on transit, in waiting rooms or in other captive settings.
  • Save speakerphone for when you control the room. At home, tell the caller if another person enters so they know the audience has changed.
  • Only correct strangers when the exposure is prolonged. A short ride may not be worth the conflict; on a long train trip or flight, a polite 'Could you put headphones on?' is more likely to remind than provoke.
  • Expect possible rudeness if you do speak up. You cannot control someone else's reaction, so decide whether the discomfort is worth it before engaging.
  • Keep phones away or face down and silent at meals. Face-up phones turn every notification into a distraction for the whole table.
  • Prioritize invitations. If someone proposes a time to meet, respond promptly or explain why you are waiting rather than letting the message sit.